What in the mother of cocks is this all about? Was anyone aware that if you remove the word ‘the’ from the title of a movie that you could shoot the entire film over again as a “New Model” but with the “Original Parts”? Somebody needs to tell Harrison Ford to get his crippled ass over to Skywalker Ranch and work on some plans to shoot Raiders of Lost Ark. While you’re at it, give word to Dolph Lundgren to lobby for the filming of Masters of Universe.
Vin Diesel is quite possibly the worst actor of his generation, although he faces some stiff, and I mean STIFF competition from Paul Walker. Regardless, KFC parking lots across North America are about to become subject to an influx of revving engines and popped hoods tonight with the release of Fast & Furious. There’s only three things that can pack a small-town theatre: tits, fast cars, and John Cena. Vin Diesel’s melon closely resembles a lop-sided breast, and he’ll be behind the wheel of a few really fast cars, so you can count on a solid weekend pull from his latest turn as Dominic Toretto.
I’m fine with that. I hate to see anyone suffer through our difficult global financial meltdown (except for Roger Clemens and Paris Hilton, I’d love to see both of those fucks bankrupt and homeless). Vin is going to need the dough, because after his upcoming feature-film directorial debut, Hannibal the Conqueror, he’ll be hard-pressed to find a decent payday. Did I mention that he’s also starring in this one. Save directing and starring in your own historical epics for true ego-maniacs like Mel Gibson.
So anyway, unless you have a piece of shit car with a $2000 stereo system, or a serious fetish for Vin Diesel’s over sized pectoral muscles, then I suggest skipping this one. Although, the return of the prison-hardened Michelle Rodriguez to this franchise should give it a little more “balls” than Paul Walker could ever provide on his own.
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SL
